If the Vk characters had a Sassy Gay Friend!
by somebody new
Summary: Changed the title! Zero's not the only one who gets a Sassy Gay friend! It's Kaname's turn now!
1. If Zero had a Sassy gay friend

_**A/N: Hi! Um soo this idea came to me when I was watching the Sassy Gay friend videos on yutube and I started thinking and I thought 'Zero really needs a sassy gay friend,' and well this happened. This is not meant to offend anyone or be completely factual about the story. Zero is way out of character but if he stayed his cold indifferent self the story wouldn't have worked out as well. Anyways this fic is just for fun and to hopefully give you readers a good laugh, so hope you enjoy. Oh yeah and go check out the 'Sassy Gay friend' video's on you tune and you'll have a better idea of what I'm writing about.**_

_**Disclaimers: I DO NOT! Own the characters they belong to Matsuri Hino, and the creators of the sassy gay friend on you tube, the story idea doesn't even belong to me only the situation they are in. Anyways enjoy the story!**_

**What Might have happened if Zero had a Sassy Gay friend**

Meet Zero Kiryuu he is about to kill himself after drinking Yuuki Cross's blood. This fate could have been avoided **if **he had a sassy gay friend.

"I'm a monster," Zero growled pointing the bloody rose to the tip of his chin. His act was unforgivable, and what was worse was that that damn Kuran was there to save her from him. Cocking the gun, his index finger slowly reached for the trigger at the exact moment the door to his room flew open.

"What are you doing? What, what, what-are-you-doing!" Zero froze seeing a tall man in a black tightly fitted v-neck shirt with an orange scarf standing in the doorway pointing at him.

"I drank Yuuki's blood I'm a monster!"

"So you try to kill yourself? Kill yourself?" he repeated throwing his hands in the air in disbelief.

"Who the hell are you!" Zero spat, annoyed this man had the nerve to barge into his bedroom.

"That doesn't matter, what does matter is that you are trying to kill yourself!" he replied in a sassy manner.

"Why would you care? I'm just a beast in human form, there's no point to my existence," he mumbled looking at the gun resting in his hand.

"Okay one." the man begun. "I care because you are one hot piece of ass and to kill yourself would ruin the series because your looks attract a lot of the readers. And second, you need to cut the emo crap it is not flattering. I mean he-llo! That attitude is so last June, when black was the new pink. You need to smile more and whine less," he said waving his hand in the air. "You're going to have permanent frown lines, and time can't fix that."

"But I drank Yuuki's blood, she probably hates me now, is terrified of me!"

"Well did she say she hated or was afraid of you?" the man asked.

"W-well no but, I could see it in her eyes and-"

"O-oh!" the man sighed dramatically. "You could see it in her eyes could you! If I always made that excuse then I wouldn't have made the mistake I did last fall in Rio with the cute Spanish man who I thought, was giving me the look, but was really just checking out the Haute couture sweater behind me which was definitely not his cup of tea!" he said submissively.

"Who the hell are you to tell me-"

"We already had this discussion and really, all because of this you decide to kill yourself? What kind of a man are you? Let me tell you, not a very impressive one. I've met preschoolers with more guts."

"It doesn't matter anyways," Zero retorted. "Yuuki loves that bastard Kuran and not me!" he said wanting to end the conversation as well as his life.

"You know what Zero, this is a major spoiler for later in the story. But that ancient, sexy, yet pedophilic brunette vamp Kaname, is Yuuki's long lost relative in her brothers body. Now if that isn't a major red flag then I don't know what is. The only reason she doesn't get too close to you is because you push her away with that cold, bad boy attitude of yours."

"But I can't get too close because her blood-"

"Is so tempting I know, that is why you went all dracula on her ass. Now lets calm down for a second crazy, calm down. You're going to take a deep breath, stop being a pussy and drink the blood tablets, or find a nice innocent by standard who is unimportant to the story ark and drink their blood. And also Yuuki is a young, stupid, naïve girl who isn't really sure what love is. You are a good looking, smart young man who is a major love interest in the story. And let me let you in on a little secret. She leaves with Kuran in the future, but you can prevent that." The man said resting his hand on his hips. "Now, listen Zero Kiryuu and listen good. You love Yuuki Cross. I know it, you know it, Kaname knows it, the Zeki fans know it. But Yuuki doesn't, so if you would just tell her she might change her mind."

"You don't know that for sure," Zero replied actually stopping to think about what this man had to say.

"Well that may be true, but let me tell you this. In about five minutes, Yuuki is going to run into this room and check to see if you are okay. You, who is going to step away from the emo corner, is going to sweep her off her feet and tell her you love her."

"D-do you think that will work?" Zero asked with new found hope.

"I know so," the man smiled. "Now sit up, get rid of the gun because it can be a major turn off when used in the wrong moment, and do not push her away. Oh yeah and P.S this is the best your hair has ever been," he smiled pointing at Zero's hair.

"What?" Zero spat.

"What?" the man replied quickly. An awkward silence emitted the room until the sassy gay friend looked at his watch. "Yuuki will be here soon, what are you going to do again?" he asked with a smile.

"I'm going to tell her I love her and beat Kuran!"

"That's right you stupid bitch!" he smiled.

"What!" Zero asked again.

"Nothing," the man sung looking away softly mumbling to himself. "He's a stupid bitch." And then looking at Zero again. "Well I'm off, I have to go talk to Kaname about what he does in chapter 67," he waved. Right as the man walked out of Zero's room Yuuki came running past him calling Zero's name. "A job well done," the man smiled.

_**Umm haha so that's it! Hope you enjoyed it and I didn't waste you're time! Oh yeah and just remember this fic is just for fun! So if there are flamers out there I wouldn't look into writing a review cause I wont look too far into it! But if you did like it then let me know what you thought! Chow!**_


	2. If Kaname had a Sassy gay friend

_**A/N: I'm back! Thanks for the reviews, because of you it's now Kaname's turn to get a Sassy gay friend talk! I changed the title of the story because now Zero isn't the only one who gets a gay friend! So if anyone else thinks there fav character or just a character in general of Vk needs a Sassy gay friend then just let me know! Oh yeah and P.S I have only vaguely read the Manga so if some of the information is off I am very sorry! But again this is all for fun so I hope you enjoy it!**_

_**Disclaimers: I DO NOT! Own the characters they belong to Matsuri Hino, and the creators of the sassy gay friend on you tube, the story idea doesn't even belong to me only the situation they are in. Anyways enjoy the story!**_

**What Might have happened if Kaname had a Sassy Gay friend**

Meet Kaname Kuran, he is about to Kill Aidou-Dono and try to start his train of complete power, then continue on a murderous path. This fate could have been avoided **if** he had a sassy gay friend.

"Aidou-dono I'll tell you something right now," Kaname said as he lifted his sword about to pierce Aidou-dono's heart.

"L-lord Kaname what-" Aidou-Dono started before someone else cut him off.

"What, what are you doing!" the sassy gay friend exclaimed jumping between the two grabbing the sword from Kaname's unsuspecting hands pushing Aidou-Dono to make a run for it.

"He saw me kill a pureblood," Kaname said angered that this fashionably acceptable man let his prey escape. "And I need to get rid of all threats to Yuuki and gain as much power as I can."

"Kaname, you don't need to kill everyone you see to gain complete power!" he said exasperated as if he were talking to an insane person. "If I killed everyone to get what I wanted then Ricky Martin's cute little financial analyst 'partner' would not be analyzing a whole lot for very much longer," he said resting his hand on his hip.

"I don't have to listen to you. I have more power then you could ever imagine and I am not doing all of this just to-"

"Are you listening to yourself? Listening to your-self!" he repeated a little louder. "You need to calm this crazy hormonal train, you're like a toddler in his 'mine' stage. The world is not your little marionette doll eagerly waiting at your fingertips for their next command, because that is what crazy people expect. And being crazy does not look good on your profile."

"I'm not doing all of this for the critics I am doing it for myself," Kaname defended himself while still keeping his cool and cold façade.

"Really you're not?" the sassy gay friend asked unconvinced. "Look at your life, look at your choices, are you really happy with how things are going? I mean you have the looks of a Greek god, yet you act like a mediocre waiter at 'Tacky Jacks Tavern and Grill'. Do you really think killing to get everything you want is flattering? If I were you I would audition for a herbal essences commercial to show off that perfect head of hair instead of scrapping at the bottom of the barrel!" he scolded shaking his finger at the pureblood.

"I don't think you understand," Kaname said coldly as his eyes turned a dark shade of red. "Everything I do is planned to perfect precision, and they are always planned out to my benefit."

"Really?" the sassy gay friend gasped sarcastically placing his hand against his chest. "Because in my eyes you always seem to take everything two steps too far! A rude letter explaining why someone is annoying you is fine, destroying them and turning them into dust; excessive!" he exclaimed unimpressed.

"…" for once Kaname did not know how to respond as his eyes returned to their normal brown colour. Were all his choices really that…excessive?

"And that whole 'protecting my girl' thing needs to stop. She is your great great grandchild for gods sake and you are in her late brothers body!" he spat disgusted. "There are only a few things that come to mind when I hear that, one incest and two mutant offspring! Sure it's what you purebloods do to keep the 'pure-blood' running through your body, but you could do so much better then that absent minded girl with the butch hair cut. I mean come on you don't want a girl with shorter hair then you!" he gasped horrified.

"Yuuki is perfect the way she is, her hair grows out so do not-" Kaname stopped when he was interrupted once again.

"Oh and that reminds me, if I didn't just stop you from that crazy killing non sense, she would have witnessed you at your worst. Now fix your bangs because they are driving me insane and clean that blood of your shirt. I mean really? Who wears white to a mass murder? I thought you Mr. 'I plan everything out to precision?'" he mocked. "I would hate to see what you would wear to themed brunch," he sighed waving his hand.

"You don't know she'll be there watching," Kaname replied ignoring the comment on his clothing.

"I read the chapter Kaname, any minute she will be standing there staring at the monster which is you." Kaname stared at the man worried that what he said might be true. Both men stood across from each other waiting, and waiting, until the Sassy gay friend looked at his watch and remembered something.

"I'm a stupid bitch," he smiled hitting his forehead with the palm of his hand.

"What?" Kaname asked shortly.

"Well I talked to Zero earlier and he must have confessed to her. See Kaname, you don't want someone who will leave you for some emo with poor style. You want someone who will love you for your perfect hair and ass."

"But how will I know who that is?" he asked surprised he didn't feel anger towards Kiryuu for taking away his precious girl, this man seemed to be making good sense to him now.

"That's all apart of the surprise, and do you know what that surprise is called?" he asked as Kaname shook his head looking at him. "It's called life, life my friend."

"Life, I have lived longer then you could imagine and-"

"Have you been happy?" The sassy gay friend asked.

"N-no," Kaname stuttered. "I'm not."

"Then I think someone needs a change in scenery. Kaname you are going to leave this place, go do some modeling, spread your secrets on that perfect hair, and meet new people who don't act like they are high on antidepressants."

"You think that will work?" Kaname asked liking the idea.

"I know so, so go soak your wild oats and explore this amazing world," he said passionately.

"I will!" Kaname spoke with reverence.

"Good you stupid bitch!" he said excitedly. "Now you go while I have a few words with Yuuki about her life choices!" he sung waving his hand.

_**A/N so umm haha hoped you liked it! I had fun writing it so I hope it's as funny to you guys as it is to me! And again check out the 'Sassy Gay Friend' videos on you tube because they are hilarious! Especially the Adam and Eve one! Anyways hoped you enjoyed! **_

_**~Somebody new~**_


	3. If Yuuki had a Sassy gay friend

_**A/N: I'm back! Sorry for the long wait I was super busy! But hopefully I will be able to update sooner next time! Anyways thanks to everyone for the reviews and a lot of you actually gave me a lot of ideas for some of the characters! Anyways it's Yuuki's turn! And just a reminder I don't know the story line off the top of my head so like I said if some of the information is incorrect I apologize but again it is all for fun! And Nitianna thanks for the tip! I have also made it a parody! :D**_

_**And I tried to make Yuuki's situation from Episode 7 (not sure what chapter) after she yelled at Zero then was sleeping on the couch. P.S I HATE the part after Zero pulls the blanket over her more and she wakes to see Kaname leave the room and thinks it's him who did it! D: it drives me insane why can't she see Zero! …Anyways…**_

_**Disclaimers: I DO NOT! Own the characters they belong to Matsuri Hino, and the creators of the sassy gay friend on you tube, the story idea doesn't even belong to me only the situation they are in. Anyways enjoy the story!**_

**What Might have happened if Yuuki had a Sassy Gay friend**

Meet Yuuki Cross, she has just yelled at Zero during his target practice accusing him of spying on her thoughts through her blood. She is about to come to the revelation that Kaname is the most important person to her. This fate could have been avoided **if **she had a Sassy gay friend.

"_Innocence is a sin_!" the voice in Yuuki's head screamed making her shiver. She closed her eyes bringing her knees to her chest.

"What, what, what are you thinking!" yelled a tall fashionable man pointing at Yuuki who was sleeping on the small couch.

"The voices are telling me things!" Yuuki cried.

"The voices?" he asked as if he were talking to the insane. "Do they tell you tips on a better hairstyle and clothes?"

"N-no?" Yuuki replied confused.

"Then ignore them you maniac, maybe we should change the title from 'Vampire Knight' to 'Crazy brunette girl with split ends who is unsure if she is a schizophrenic or not!'" he gasped planting his hands on his hips. "But do you know why they don't call it that?" he asked. Yuuki shook her head. "Because no one wants to watch a show about that! It's like having Siegfried with no Roy, it doesn't make sense and leaves the audience frustrated and confused! Besides what are the voices even telling you?"

"That innocence is a sin!"

"Innocence is a sin?" he asked slow and deliberately. "What does that even mean? Making chocolate cake so delicious only to have it go to your thighs is a sin!" he gasped in horror. "Honey your innocence is no sin. Is there anything else?"

"Well I-I don't know about my past and I think that Kaname is somehow related to it!"

"Well have you asked him about it?" he asked softly.

"W-well no," she replied.

"Well then there you go. And spoiler alert for you, Kaname is your brother. You are a pureblood princess and you're mother transformed you into a human when you were younger to save you from your crazy uncle Rido."

"Kaname is…I'm a…" Yuuki trailed off.

"Yes, but to have that all back, comes with a price," he said shortly.

"What?" Yuuki asked leaning forward.

"Zero."

"No," she said slowly, eyes widening.

"Yes," the Sassy gay friend replied. "So you're going to have to pull on your big girl pants and choose. And let me tell you, just because one has amazing hair does not mean he is the better choice…" he trailed off knowing she knew he was talking about Kaname.

"B-but, I love Kaname he saved my life!" Yuuki defended.

"Kaname, I love you, I owe you. He's you're relative for crying out loud! If a rapist saved you from falling off of a bridge would you owe your life to him?- No, you brush yourself off because you do not know where his hands have been, quickly thank him then high tail it outta there!" his speech grew louder near the end.

"Then what do you want me to do?" Yuuki asked sitting up on the small couch.

"Well your going to step away from the voices in your head, go find that stupid emo bitch-"

"Zero?" Yuuki asked quietly.

"Yes, you are going to tell him how you feel- really feel."

"How I really feel?"

"Did I stutter?" he asked sassily. "Yes, tell him you love him; cause you do. You two are going to run away to some place where neither of you are near vampires or the flamboyant man with the glasses-"

"Headmaster?" she asked.

"Don't interrupt me," the man shot. "And yes I meant him. Then you are going to have Zero's beautiful babies and live happily ever after."

"But what about Kaname?" she asked feeling ache to leave him.

"Oh I will have a chat with him, he could do so much better…" he mumbled.

"What?" Yuuki asked.

"I think your shoes are amazing where did you get them," he lied while also distracting her.

"Oh, just a shop in town when I was with Zero-"

"With Zero how it should be. Now you go and find him you stupid bitch and-"

"Tell him I love him!" she smiled jumping from the couch. The sassy gay friend smiled rising from the couch.

"Stop interrupting me before I rip your hair from that pretty little head, and go find your prince in shining armor, P.S he may be in some emo corner, but you can take him away from that and show him the light!" he smiled watching the girl run off.

"And also!" he began only to see the girl was gone. "Oh well," he smiled waving his hand. "She was a stupid bitch anyways," he smiled proudly.

_**So sorry if this one wasn't as funny but I tried my hardest! Let me know what you think and this time I left it as a surprise to who I will do next! Duh duh duhhh! Cue the evil music! Anyways hope you enjoyed!**_


	4. Does He need a Sassy gay friend?

**A/N Okay so that was a really long time! I am so sorry and if no one even care about this story anymore then I will understand! For all those people who are mad that I put Zero with Yuuki I ma sorry, to be honest I am a Zeki fan but I never meant to break anyones hearts! But I'm going to keep it as it is with no official pairings because I am doing more characters. So let me know what you think of this chapter, it is a little different from the rest. And again I am sorry for the long wait! Oh yeah and on the look up thing that tells you the chapter it says does 'he' need a sassy gay friend and i only wrote that because there is a word limit and it wouldn't let me type out Headmaster  
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_**Disclaimers: I DO NOT! Own the characters they belong to Matsuri Hino, and the creators of the sassy gay friend on you tube, the story idea doesn't even belong to me only the situation they are in. Anyways enjoy the story!**_

**Does the Headmaster need a Sassy Hay Friend?**

Meet the Sassy gay friend, he had just told Yuuki to follow her heart before being ever so rudely left alone. This fate could have been avoided **if** she didn't interrupt him and had a sense of manners.

"What, what, what am I doing!" he asked waving his hands in the air. It astounded him that she did not let him finish his last line. He was about to tell her how he was going to talk to Aidou, but she just dashed off without a parting glance.

"Yuuki! I brought you some cookies that I made!" a high pitched just as flamboyant voice reached the sassy gay friends ears. He turned to see a tall blonde man with glasses and a ridiculous apron on. "Oh!" the glasses man spoke not expecting to see another man in the room. "Um, hello can I help you?" he asked confused.

"No, but I sure can help you!" the sassy gay friend sang hoping he would finally get his chance at a spin off of 'What Not to Wear.'

"Help me? I don't need help! I'm perfectly fine! I mean Zero once told me something about therapy and handed me some sort of medication but I just smiled then put it in his drink when he wasn't looking because-" he froze looking around the room then leaned forward. "Honestly he is a little on the psychotic murderer side which concerns me so I thought it would help," he whispered. The sassy gay friend knowingly nodded.

"I hear you, but don't worry we talked everything out and he should be just fine. Now about your ridiculous attire-"

"Isn't it cute!" the Headmaster sung doing a twirl.

"About as cute as my last vacation in Palm Springs when I spilt marinara sauce all over my new Gucci scarf! Not even my tears could bring out the stain!" he wiped at his eye having the horrifying memory replay in his head.

"You know tide can bring that right out!" the headmaster replied.

"What?" the sassy gay friend turned with one hand on his hip and the other raised in the air.

"Yes, I can show you! It will bring that stain right out!" he sung skipping out of the room. The sassy gay friend could only follow.

The rest of that night was composed of a laundry lesson from the headmaster as the sassy gay friend hastily took note writing on his fluffy pink note pad.

"And you're telling me that if I just add more flour that the consistency of my cake will change?" the sassy gay friend queried scribbling away.

"Yes! And when I ice my cakes I like to use pink icing and draw hearts all over it! Although he never admits it I think Kaname really likes it!" he smiled thinking of all the times he offered Kaname and Zero the cake only to have them shove it in his face.

"Does he?" the gay friend asked skeptically.

"W-well sometimes they…why don't they appreciate my work!" the headmaster cried dramatically falling to his knees. "I slave and bake, and clean and all they do is break my desk or punch me in the face! I have no idea what I'm doing wrong!"

"Listen to me, listen to me!" The sassy gay friend announced placing his hand on the headmasters shoulder. "You are not a stupid bitch, you are the sun and you make the world shine. When a baby laughs it is because you smile, you are the god to all men! And you have all the secrets to the baking world and for that I commend you!" he smiled as the headmasters face lit up.

"I am!" he smiled back to his old enthusiastic self. "I am so happy that I found a crazy man like you in my house, even though technically you are trespassing and I could call the cops on you. But why would I do that when you have the literacy of a Greek god!" he beamed raising his hands in the air.

"You know what!" the sassy gay friend smiled. "I like you and I think that I should stop trying to help everyone else and just hang out with-" he froze when a blonde head caught his attention on the other side of the window.

"What's wrong?" the headmaster asked floating over to see what caught the sharply dressed mans attention.

"Is that Aidou?" he asked.

"Ah! My adorable little vampire! But what is he doing here? Maybe he's come to pay a visit to me! I just love my cute little vampires!" he danced around the kitchen singing hallelujah while waving chopsticks in the air as if they were lighters. "What do you think-" he froze when he noticed his new companion was gone. "Sassy gay friend?" he asked not knowing the mans real name. "W-where are you?" he asked feeling tears fill his eyes. Again he was left in despair never to be asked what his favorite colour was or why he was so crazy. "Forever alone," he sighed.

He slowly walked out of the room before something deliciously colorful caught his eye. "What is this!" he sung reaching for the colouring book. A small note fell off of it which he picked up.

_Dear Headmaster,_

_I am sorry to leave with such short notice but I realized something when you were dancing around the room like maniac on happy pills. And that is that I have a duty, a duty that only one sassy gay friend can fulfill, which is to take away all the angst and horror away from this vampire love story. I know that this parting is difficult on the both of us, I mean we knew each other for a good seven and a half minutes…sorry I will try not to cry while writing this. But we must part and do what we were meant to! Btw the décor of your house is wonderful, you must tell me where you got it! But enough with these silly distractions. What I really meant to say was that although I only knew you for a short time, you managed to change my life and views and for that I am grateful. Now I am off to go help your wonderful vampires, so if you get complaints about a creepy, yet also wonderfully fashionable and sleek man walking around the campus harassing students, then you can think of me. _

_Sincerely, one stupid bitch._

The headmaster read the note about to tear up before a question rang through his mind.

"How did he mange to write this elegantly in such a short time?" he asked before one more note on the letter caught his eyes.

_P.S_

_While you were dancing around and I had my epiphany I took the liberty of writing this parting note, please don't look too far into it. _

_Forever; SGF_

The headmaster smiled placing the note to his heart. He had seen the eyes of fashion, and it was called 'The Sassy Gay Friend'

_**So I guess who is next is obvious! I'll try to update asap!**_


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